"Sometimes in your life, you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush of knowing that this is not forever and that you're not committed to anything."

I've found that I am my happiest while....
-surrounded by my family, looking out across the ocean with the mediterranean sun beating on our shoulders and snow capped mountains on the horizon, eating fabulous food
-sipping on Madeira wine with my sister
-screaming the (correct, although the tv screen says otherwise) words to old Spice Girls songs with my girlfriends on karaoke night at an Italian club while my favorite boy smiles and cheers us on
-stretched out in the sunshine with my best friend on a Tuesday afternoon in Piazza del Popolo
-dancing and singing along like a lunatic to Gaga in my fave Italian disco, which my Lady-Gaga-hating boy slyly requested for me
-kissing said boy all through out the eternal city

Completely different, but I've never felt like I hated school so much in my life. I loved school last semester. It was so challenging. I was always writing, working, reading, thinking, learning... but it was palatable. I tackled 41 essays and came out with nothing under a 94%. I'm not used to struggling, I don't like it (although, being reasonable- who does?), and I feel totally intimidated and inadequate. I also really, really miss my pony.

a karam's a karam through and through.

being a karam with a 50% infusion of german blood is really quite the experience. you see, there are certain situations/ridiculous behaviors, ranging from atrocious to fantastic, that karams seem capable of getting themselves into far too often. a few recent examples...

my whole family- parents, sister, and grandparents- deciding to take a cruise around europe with me on my spring break. yayy, wonderfully karam!

the fact that i'm somehow playing with a dashing italian sailor who sends me crazy messages and comes to my apartment to cook me lunch, bring me wine, and clean my entire kitchen? ooh, pretty "karam"!

roughly 3 hours before departure for the airport yesterday, my father (who is by far the MOST clothing obsessed out of our incredibly fashion-driven, slightly materialistic clan) still had yet to pack. or even take out his suitcase....KARAM!

oh wait, or maybe the fact that my sister was denied boarding onto the airplane to come see me yesterday because her passport is beaten up? PRETTY GODDAMN KARAM.

or the fact that she's sitting in philadelphia right now, as it's blizzarding, waiting on an emergency passport renewal? yep...karam.

hmm, that at 3am via skype, from rome i was telling her where to get passport photos taken in philadelphia? and i'm now sitting across the ocean in an utter panic and feeling totally helpless? k-a-r-a-m.

ohhh or maybe the teeny tiny issue that my parents and grandparents have not contacted me or my sister to let us know that they've arrived? or where we should be meeting them tomorrow now that the entire plan has changed? KA-FREAKING-RAM. through and through.

i love my family like nothing else- but it would not hurt us to be a little bit more organized. so this time tomorrow, if all goes according to the latest plan (a constantly changing, never certain, borderline joke for karams) i will be boarding a cruise ship in barcelona with my family. my entire family! in europe! with me! my parents, sister, and incredible grandparents. plus i will have my beautiful polish bride by my side. monica ogonowski-karam.... it is has a beautiful ring to it. LITERALLY MY WHOLE FAMILY! IN EUROPE! :) i will get to celebrate my 21st birthday in MOROCCO with those crazies! someone may fall overboard. luckily, in typical karam style.... we will probably be the culprits and not victims. woops.

in the words of the ever wonderful feist, "it's cool, it's cool to love your family" <3 the past week has been one of the most academically trying and exhausting of my entire life. i am tired, most likely developing an ulcer, and will not be at ease until i am stretched out in the sun alongside my sissy.

on a different note- this will be like the first birthday in 5 years not with kel :( :( :( :( :(

"We'll get nowhere if we've forgotten where we've been"

I spent a good portion of my first few weeks in Rome genuinely disliking this city for something that it just can't help. I resented Rome for being Rome. My immediate reaction is to now regret that week or so I spent wallowing internally. Incessant thoughts about how I should have gone to Germany, the disorder, how rude the people were, the terrible exchange rate, and the seemingly impenetrable language barrier took over my brain. This is not to say that I spent every moment being miserable, and many people at home probably had no idea, but I let loose on those closest to me. I'm not sure what would have happened without those little bandaids of encouragement and love-slaps into reality. My mother deals with my constant neuroses, my sister always knows what to say, my father breaks my heart with his sadness but makes me feel so loved, my wonderful cousin vents and squeals daily with me through all the ups and downs, Jen -despite her feelings- rises up to share her infinite wisdom, Kelli pushes me along, Lexi is prepared to offer comic relief, and even Ken has been a voice of reason and reassurance as I cried to him, ranted, and berated this fine country. But most of all, Monica has been there to share my worries, fears, and above all else- joys. We spend solid portions of every day laughing to the point of physical discomfort, whisper in the dark like little girls, know when it's time to push or just stay quiet, and when to just let me play that song for the tenth time. That type of synchronicity is rare and cherished.

I'm happy to be where I am right now. The rough spots seem a thing of the past, and it's comical now that I thought I had gotten to a "good place" when I accepted that Rome was something new and I'd be home soon enough. I never want this to end. Never again will I have this freedom, this opportunity, and this ability to embrace a certain amount of recklessness without much guilt. There are moments when I feel absolutely gripped with terror that this will end- I will leave Rome, go back home, and say goodnight to the discos. I love walking down the street and hearing a different kind of house music from each passing car, or being serenaded by a man on his Vespa. Or better yet- being serenaded by a handsome sailor with traditional Southern love songs. Art, formal or informal, is literally everywhere. This city is insane and I am drunk off of its magnificence.

The blatantly staring, and often brooding, eyes on the street and metro have stopped bothering me and become almost endearing. Something being "so painfully Italian" now makes me smile instead of roll my eyes. I love the boys in their ridiculous coats, the old women pulling their shopping bags, and our sweet market ladies. I've now spent hours having conversations with a boy that only speaks about as much English as I do Italian (aka not much) and at a certain point, and with an incredible amount of laughter, it all stops mattering. Replacing this word here, that gesture, this reenactment, this French phrase- and the message somehow gets across. We're all pretty damn similar when you get right down to it.

At first, I had huge problems with the lack of efficiency, at least in my definition, through out the city. However, I've come to realize that "we'll get to it when we get to it" attitude is just another thing that makes Italy, Italy. My obsession with order and punctuality in others has been forced into submission- and that's honestly a relief. Everything here is just slower and that's exactly what I didn't know I needed. I'm always in a rush, plotting my next move, eager to bend everything to my useless specifications, and quick to make a judgment. I've found myself having to drastically reduce my stride to "slow down" to the speed of a lean Italian boy with legs far longer than my own. He walked at ease, listening to my every word, nodding thoughtfully, and stopping frequently to explain things. It was infuriating at first- until I realized that my rush was senseless. What changes if we get to the bar five minutes later? Life was meant to be enjoyed and I need to stop treating every day like a check list. My very German desire for order and extreme efficiency has been forced to take a backseat, and for now, that's just fine.

dear rome,
even though you go to sleep way too early, while i have cut sleeping out entirely, i just wanted to let you know that you're really just what the doctor ordered. you and your esteemed naval force. grazie.
love,
elise
ps i would also like to thank southern italy. you really know how to grow 'em.

so i've been berated for not updating. here it is!

i've realized that the most difficult thing for me to adjust to isn't not speaking the language or even anything inherently italian- it's having free time. i have classes monday and wednesday from 4-9 and tuesday 9-6. that leaves four totally free days and the bulk of monday and wednesday open. i don't know what to do with myself!

i'm used to juggling a full course load, riding, a job, and a social life. i spent most of last year doing my work, then going out as my roommates were going to bed, and being the first one up and out the door the next morning. i prefer my internal system to be similar to that of a humming bird, and right now i feel like a sluggish turkey. being totally obsessed with scheduling, i feel lost with all these open days. i've been doing an okay amount of exploring, but there's definitely time for more and i have to kick it up a notch. i want to soak up every bit of roma.

thursday it felt like my time in rome really began. i love my friends, but i do my best thinking and exploring on my own. i hit the streets solo to familiarize myself with part of the city and indulge in some much-needed retail therapy. although i ended up practicing self restraint, i did convince a shopgirl that i was going to purchase a stunning 300euro (on sale from 600e) sweater that i wore for about 10 minutes all around the store. of course, i had her absolutely believing (i could see it in her innocent eyes) that i'd be back before closing. i just needed to do it. for my own sanity. don't judge me.
thursday evening was a wild night in true roman fashion. we three ladies hit the town. hard. not wishing to indulge too many (unsavory?) details at the moment, i will simply say that every rumor about roman men in bars is true. they mean business. probably the tamest thing that happened was getting my heiney pinched about 5 minutes into my first drink.

saturday monica and i hit up the san giovanni market. surprised that within two weeks we'd already be at the rices of rome? of course we loved it. i got sweet pumas for cheap and we dug through piles of discarded prom dresses and well-loved cashmere. the excellent, kelli-granhan's-dreamland-store, coin, was also savored. i had a moment of absolute euphoria on the top of floor, surrounded by immaculate fashion and standing in front of a picture window watching traffic buzz through rome. i actually live here.
we ventured around san giovanni, a potential contender for favorite spot in rome, for awhile and then there was a real roman miracle. i saw a sign for a restaurant called "pizza&kebab" and thought... "could it be..? should i dare to dream...?" yes, faithful blogger, i dared to dream- and YES, the menu read the most beautiful words to my starved-already-pasta'd-out-eyes- "falafel al panino". not only did they have some of the best falafel i've ever had (and that's REALLY saying something), but they also had delish arancinis for a euro. A EURO! monica reveled in the closeness of the spicy kebab to her darling, sorely missed buffalo chicken wraps. we even ordered more food to take home for dinndinn. to top it all off, the chatty man-boy behind the counter was quite adorable with an extra flirtatious smile. there's no question we will return!

sunday was wonderful. my mom had gotten me this really great book of 24 "roman walks" for christmas and the girls and i decide to the "pyramid and aventine walk". the most fabulous mix of both exhilaration and peace set in as we strolled the orange gardens, one of the oldest churches in rome, and hiked the narrow streets of the aventine hill.

tonight on the walk home from school mon and i were talking about food (as usual), and i remembered that on the cruise i'll be able to have a veggie burger. YES! i'm legitimately excited about this. italy is meat-obsessed. walking through the fabulous mercato ingresso today, an excited little italian man pushed me toward a HUNK of animal and kept asking "taste? taste?!" on the quest for monica to get salami (which she accidentally got 8euros of, hahah), i think i saw just about every part of animal.

i would like to say that the biggest adjustment has been the fact that monica and i basically have a double bed.... but that would be a lie. it has been a seamless transition.

we live like kings.

a question from mon.

"elise... can you write about tonight in your blog?"-monica, on the trek home from the club.
"absolutely."

tomorrow.